Few thoughts at sunset

The last few days been very different for me. I do not exactly know whether they were painful or full of melancholic thoughts. It all started with a thought of loss, the loss which had no chance of win in past and have no scope in future either. You know why because I do not want a win rather to say I will feel happy when I will loose to the extent where last hope of win ceases to exist. But it is always my nature to find a reason for loss and to find a solution for future. The reason for loss is obvious but there is no solution for a future outcome either or at least I do not want that way. While returning to home with such thoughts my IPod played a song from quite an old movie wherein as a prologue the thoughts are expressed as “woh zindegi hi kya jis mein koi namumkin sapna naa ho”… very true. But sometimes we are winner but only after loosing everything, we have dreams to achieve but no zest to follow them.

Someday back I was afraid of involving into a serious relationship because I thought I cannot bear such responsibilities. Today the scene is something different, when fortune has given me an opportunity to shoulder more responsibilities I do not want to and this is for very rational not emotional. My health condition does not permit me to involve or settle down in terms of societal obligations. If that is the case I do not have a goal or motive to carry on with life. I am quite uncertain about my future so not willing to shoulder a liability what I cannot fulfil. Then how to keep myself motivated or to move on to the next challenge and I have no idea or answer to this.

These thing not only painful but are quite perplexing, I am at such a juncture where I do not find a way to move forward, I am finding myself suffocating and absolutely at lost… what to do next… ummmmm…